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He
Says...
She
Says...
He
Says...
“Getting
married is a huge decision – probably the biggest
decision a guy will make in his life and doesn’t want
to make a mistake. Some guys think about if there’s
someone else out there who is more perfect – like
Cameron Diaz for example – when she plays Mary in
the movie, There’s Something About Mary. I think women
want to get married sooner because of insecurity. I think
they want to have children and they don’t want to
wait too long. They peak earlier than men. Yes, I do think
a guy feels pressure once all his friends have proposed.
When a guy hears that question, ‘When do you think
we’ll get married’ he thinks, ‘Quit bugging
me! We’ll get married when I’m ready to get
married. Don’t force me – let me do it in my
own time. You’ll be dragging me and that won’t
make you feel good about yourself.’ The ‘Can
we talk about it later?’ question means ‘Leave
me alone. I want to do this in my own way. I want it to
be a surprise. I want it to be romantic…Talking about
it all the time diminishes it.”
-Jeff, 36, Attorney, NY
“I
think it’s [why men are slow to commit] the classic
breadwinner argument, where men feel they must be the provider
due to society norms and therefore men are so career focused
earlier in life. Since women generally need/want to have
kids in their early thirties due to biological clock concerns
they are more likely to start down this road [of getting
married] earlier than men. Yes, I do think a guy feels pressured
once all his friends have already gotten engaged. As your
single friends start dwindling down you start to question
why you are the ‘only’ guy at the singles table.
If the woman brings up getting married, she is trying to
pressure the guy into action. By responding with, ‘Can
we talk about it later?’ the man is avoiding the question
so he can think about how/when he should respond. Clearly
he is not ready to tackle the question and needs to think
through the ramifications on his answer.”
-Matt, 29, Project Manager, San Francisco
She
Says...
“We
were dating for a year and a half when I realized how much
I was into to him. It was seven and a half years before
he popped the question…He could totally sense my envy
of everyone who started to get engaged. It seemed like it
happened for everyone else so quickly…the more I waited
the more disgruntled I became…So, I decided I would
muster up the courage and ask him to marry me. Sure enough,
he proposed just in time. I think men are afraid of choosing
the wrong person. They think, who knows if some girl might
move in to town. They don’t want to blow the chance
and miss out on meeting someone else. For my now husband,
divorce was not an option. So, he really wanted to be sure.
Tips for women: Don’t become needy or jealous. Don’t
make it appear like the relationship is the end all be all
of your existence. Men like women to have independence,
and having independence shows you’re not just waiting
for him. It stinks when your friends get engaged. You wonder
why it isn’t happening for you and it hurts your self-confidence.
What I think helps is to be more like a man in this situation
– show a little ambivalence.”
–Stephanie, 36, NH
“I
waited five years! Living together cemented the deal for
us though. I felt anxious about getting engaged because
of all the pressure from my family. It definitely made life
easier once we got engaged because everyone finally got
off my back. I kept track of those passing us. I think men
take longer because they hate change. A tip is that a woman
should talk to her boyfriend about timeframes. Getting engaged
should be about the man and the woman. A woman has the right
to know what he’s thinking and if he’s on the
same page.”
–Michelle, 32 financial planner, Boston
“I’d
get pushy and impatient. I would keep track of friends getting
engaged. I’d get annoyed if they were together for
a shorter amount of time than I was with my boyfriend. Men
seem to be more laid back about marriage and have different
priorities. Women can talk for hours analyzing relationships,
and if he’s going to propose. Men don’t do that
with their friends. A tip is to be patient and push reasonably.
Some guys may need a push – but push lightly.”
–Jill, 31, full-time mom, Boston
“I
was ready to end the relationship if my ultimatum wasn’t
met. Getting engaged didn’t look easy for everyone
else. I think everyone has difficulties due to the stress
of planning a wedding and purging two families together
(or at times more, if parents are divorced). Yes, I kept
track of who got engaged before us. If you live together
before getting engaged there becomes too much of a comfort
factor. Playing house is great without a total sense of
commitment. A tip is if there’s an issue before you
get married, it will become an even bigger one after you
tie the knot. Thus, communication and understanding are
key. Discuss everything regardless of how uncomfortable
the topic – kids, finances, roles, expectations, etc.”
-Chelsea, 33, PA
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