What’s pre-engagement limbo?

Q & A with Kevin Burke of Rob Becker’s “Defending the Caveman”

Interview with Kevin Burke

What’s pre-engagement limbo?

From conversations with friends, war stories shared over cocktails, speeches by best men at weddings, and scenes in some of our favorite movies, we see how common it is for a woman to want to get engaged before her boyfriend. Yet, couples in 'pre-engagement limbo' still feel like From still couples going through this, feel like they’re the only ones since everyone else seems to be pondering if it will be roses or tulips, band or DJ, day or night.

By giving a name to this ‘pre-engagement limbo’ dynamic we can help couples identify why they start to bicker whenever they receive a “we just got engaged” phone call. By recognizing the limbo, people will know what to expect and will be able to manage the conflict, rather than have limbo take over the relationship.

If you’re frustrated because sending out save-the-date cards looks like a popular process for everyone else, you’re not alone.

It’s a quiet frustration. The woman who feels ready to get married before her long-term beau doesn't necessarily announce such news over latte with the girls. I hope it helps to hear that hesitancy does not necessarily mean rejection. It seems in most cases, the reason a man might dodge the "M" word has little do with his girlfriend personally or how much he loves her. Instead, this hesitancy has to do with his own struggle from feelings about change, fears of the unknown, and ideals of perfection - all themes that come along with the engagement process. All of which can keep a guy frozen at the knee.

Men and women do have something in common - both are dealing with pressure to get married. But, it's a push-pull type of pressure, pushing and pulling them in two different directions. For a woman, the pressure may make her want to start typing up a guest list. For a man, the pressure may make him want to add another six months to the proposal.

To get through 'pre-engagement limbo' couples need to talk to each other and share what they are experiencing during this process of moving towards a marriage commitment. A loving healthy relationship should be the safest place of all to express feelings, both good and bad. From sharing, men will no longer interpret her anxiety as nagging, and women will no longer interpret his hesitancy as rejection.

A friend asked if I was going to post techniques on how a woman could get her boyfriend to pop the question. I explained this is not a website about 101 ways to get a man to propose, but about a man and a woman understanding that each person may have a different experience with the steps leading up to The Big Day. There are productive ways on how to go through 'pre-engagement limbo' as a couple. Working together, rather than working against each other, is what can ultimately lead to happily ever after.

And, who says the men get to navigate as to when and where the question will be popped. How wonderful it would be if we knew of more women who decided not to play the waiting game, and took the alternative route of popping the question themselves. Would you propose to your boyfriend?

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Q & A with Kevin Burke of Rob Becker’s “Defending the Caveman”

I have seen Rob Becker's hit comedy "Defending the Caveman" at least three times...I love this show! It was so much fun to have Defending the Caveman's very own, Kevin Burke answer your questions about the differences between men and women.

Here are the answers to your questions when you "Asked the Caveman":

Dear Caveman: Whenever I watch a movie with my girlfriend she asks questions about the characters, the plot twist. Why can't she sit through the hour and twenty minutes without talking? Why do women talk so much in general? -Andrew, NY

Back in the cavetimes, groups of women would keep up a stream of conversation while gathering food. They did this in order to make sure no one had gotten picked off by a predator. So for a woman, conversation is life, itself! Men need to learn to listen...to go into her world, and without judgement.

Now, the flipside...Men were hunters in the cavetimes, and too much conversation would scare away the prey. If that happens, no one eats! Today, men will hang out together and not speak more than three sentences to each other for HOURS. Even so, they feel liike they've bonded even more with each other, So women need to spend time with their man, sometimes, in complete silence. Go into HIS world, without judgement.

It's give-and-take, Brother.

Dear Caveman: Why is that when women tell a story they give every little detail? Really, I want to follow it, but with all the details I get lost. It's frustrating. -Dan, MA

Women LOVE details! Two women in conversation give details like little gifts! Dude, they even FACE EACH OTHER when they talk! (I know, I know...) Women love details because their brains actually have more capacity than men's. They have more connectors between the right side and left side of their brains. They can do more at once. When you're talking to a woman, you're actually slowing her down. Do your best to keep up. Feel free to ask for clarification...she'll appreciate that because it indicates you're involved in the conversation. Most of all...DON'T TRY TO "SOLVE" ANY PROBLEM SHE LAYS OUT. It's a guy's nature to try to reach the goal of a solution. That's what we do. But when a woman lays out a problem, she wants you simply to listen.

Dear Caveman: My husband acts like he has no idea where anything is in the house. "Where do we keep the napkins?" "Where are the garbage bags?" Everything is in the same place it's been since we've moved in together and yet he acts like he doesn't have a clue. Why is this? -Lor, NJ

Because the cave belonged to the cavewoman. Still true today. It's your house, and you just invite him in from time-to-time. Plus, due to your superior brain capacity, you can keep track of everything, all at once. He's lucky if he can find his car keys. To him, it's an almost amazing ability you have...this knowledge. It's the gift you give to him.

Dear Caveman: Why does my wife always criticize my bidding at bridge when she's the one who doesn't follow the rules? -Mort, CT

Women can go outside of logic in their thinking. It's a talent that serves them well. "Thinking outside the box" is one of the things they do best. Men are linear thinkers. Just marvel at her ability and know that her ability to think outside the box will probably save your ife one day.

Dear Caveman: To avoid shopping (for anything) my boyfriend claims he gets headaches in stores. Is this possible? -Gayle, San Francisco

Shopping is much like gathering during the cavetimes. Looking, comparing, picking, filling your basket with berries is similar to browsing through a dress rack. Because of this, it actually gives a woman energy, this gathering activity. It'll wear a man out in 30 seconds. Hunters need to be focused on a single, defineable goal. THAT gives HIM energy! So give him something to hunt down and turn him loose. Something simple. "I need crew-sized sweatsocks, no stripe....GO!" He'll be happy as a clam.

See? It's not the act of shopping, it's the browsing and discovering of things outside the stated goal that gives him headaches. Give him his goal, or send him to the arcade where he can narrow his focus and hunt things. That narrowing-of-focus is what gives hunters energy.

Dear Caveman: My husbands closet and dresser drawers are so messy, it drives me crazy! How can he find anything? Once in awhile I'll go through his dresser to make it neat, and within a day or two everything's messy again. How can he function like this? -Lynn, Boston

You'll find, Lynn, that his essential hunting tools...car keys, cell phone, briefcase, etc...are right where he expects them to be. Everything else; socks, clean underwear, etc., those are the things of civilization. One doesn't need perfectly-rolled socks to bring down game. But since he has his own closet and dresser, let them get as messy as he'll allow them to become, as long as you can shut the drawer and door so you don't have to be bothered by them.

Dear Caveman: Why can't men juggle as much as we can? We have a career as well, and then we're also expected to do the errands, know what we're having for dinner, make the plans for the weekend, and keep the house clean. I'll ask him what he wants for dinner, he'll say "I don't know, or I don't care." So, then I have to decide that too. -Karen, Boston

In the cavetimes, Hunters needed to focus in on their prey in order to bring down game as meat for the tribe. This narrow focus was essential so the Hunter wouldn't get distracted and lose the prey in the underbrush. Today, men retain that ability to focus, but it often gets mistaken for not caring. I'll frequently get locked in on a TV show. My wife Karen will come in and start talking to me, but I won't hear a word she says. She gets mad because she thinks I'm ignoring her, but the truth is, I'm locked in and hunting.

As for meals...here's the thing...he really DOESN'T care! A baloney sandwich is the same as chateaubriand. But it sounds like you want him more involved in meal-prep, so here's an idea. Appeal to his hunting instincts. Send him for take-out when it's his turn to cook. "I'd like some Chinese...would you go out and get us some?" will do the trick nicely.

Dear Caveman: My boyfriend's idea of cleaning is out-of-site out-of mind. We were having his family over, so I asked him to help straighten up by putting shoes, baseball caps, clothes, and some other things away. I later opened a closet and found everything stuffed in one huge pile. What's so hard about taking the extra minute to put everything back where it actually belongs? -Corny, Calif

Corny, he probably isn't sure just where everything is supposed to go. Back in cavetimes, the cave belonged to the cavewoman. That's still true today. The women in our lives let us come inside once in awhile, but that's about as far as our ownership of the cave goes.

So give him easily focused-upon goals. "Fold all these shirts." Then, when he's done, "Put them on the closet shelf." Don't give him broad-based tasks like "Clean this up." That's too confusing to the Hunter who knows he's only allowed indoors by sufferance.

Dear Caveman: My boyfriend will clean up after dinner, and I still have to pick up after him. For example, he'll clean the counter top with a sponge, and leave it sopping wet. He'll do the dishes, but leave dirty pots. Why does he miss these things and why does he have to be directed? -FriscoLady, San Francisco

Honestly, FriscoLady, part of it may be because no matter HOW well or completely he cleans, it won't be good enough. (C'mon, you know it's true....)

Dear Caveman: When I do laundry I'll always wash, fold, and put it away all in one day. My boyfriend's definition of doing laundry is to wash one day, fold it another, and put it away later. Why does he drag it out - why can't he just get it done all at once? -Ann, San Diego

To the Hunter, clothing is camouflage. Hunters dress to NOT be noticed by the prey. (Ever wonder why men's business suits are so limited in cut and color? CAMOUFLAGE!) Guys make fun of other guys when they get things like a new shirt. You're "New Shirt Boy" for the entire day. Frankly, you're lucky to find a guy who cares about clothes THAT much!

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Interview with Kevin Burke

Andrea Passman Candell: I've seen "Defending the Caveman" at least three times but would love to hear how you describe the show?

Kevin Burke: It's a show about men and women in relationships and about how our differences in the way we communicate get in our way, and cause us to misunderstand each other. Our different styles are often the root of the problem.

APC: The show talks about differences between men and women, what gender difference do you enjoy talking about most during the show?

KB: The way we communicate all goes back to hunter - gather societies. In order to be a successful hunter a man has to stay focused. When a man is watching TV he's zeroed in on it. A woman starts talking to him but he's focused on hunting TV channels. My wife will think I'm ignoring her and she'll get mad. She thinks I'm ignoring her. I'm not! I'm just hunting. Women were gatherers and have a different set of survival skills. They're aware of everything in their environment. For gatherers conversation was life itself. While gathering they would keep up conversation to make sure that no one got picked off by a predator. For hunters conversation was death because they would scare the game away. Scare the game away, and you don't eat!

APC: Is there a particular gender difference you think the audience relates to most?

KB: The big one most respond to universally is the difference that extends into the bedroom. Men have a narrow focus - they're hunting for orgasms. Women are gathering intimacy. It's best when men and women go into each others worlds. The guy listens and talks - even when he's tired. It takes a lot of male strength to do that - we have to focus. On the other hand, sometimes he wants her to sit with him, watch TV and not say anything. And it takes a lot of female strength for her to do that. Guys can spend hours together and not exchange words and walk away feeling like they're the best buddies in the world. Guys bond through doing things. Women bond through conversation. Men and women should go into each others world. Sometimes, she should just sit with him. Sometimes, he should open up, listen, and talk.

APC: The show talks about how women are information gatherers - and men, not so much. How do you think this plays out in the well-being of relationships?

KB: Guys have tunnel vision. Men can only focus on one thing at a time. Women can do everything all at once. So it boils down to this...if the guy can narrow his focus and concentrate, he can take his spear and protect the tribe. If the woman can be aware of everything else, she can make sure he doesn't get killed while he's doing it!

APC: What words do you have for couples stuck in their long-term relationship - when a woman wants to get married before her long-term boyfriend feels ready?

KB: Defending the Caveman is about couples who want to be together and have some problems understanding why the other person is the way they are. I was reading some things on your website, and I can't understand being involved with someone for that long and not knowing either way what you want to do regarding getting married. If you're with someone and they haven't asked you to marry them - why not ask them? It's better than sitting around being frustrated because he's not proposing. He'll either say yes or no. Either way your problems are over. It seems to me that nobody, man or woman, should wait around an excessive amount of time for the other to propose. If a woman is sitting around thinking, "Damn, when is he going to propose to me?" then she's beyond her personal limit and should put it on the table. Men sometimes get comfortable in a monogamous relationship and they wait to take that next step - they'll hem and haw to keep the status quo. For a woman to think she has to wait for him is to put herself in the absolute worst position of all. It puts all the power into the other person's hands. Take the bull by the horns and find out which way the wind is blowing here. If they say 'no' you've got your answer. If they say 'yes', you've got your wedding.

APC: What words do you have for guys (in long term relationships) who are putting off getting married for as long as they can?

KB: My question is why do they want to put it off for as long as they can? They want to have their cake and eat it too. If you're in a long term relationship you know if you want to marry that person or not. If you do, start planning it. If not, own up to it. Then, she can say okay I'm content with how things are, or thanks for the memories, and she can move on. Putting it off for as long as you can puts it on the same level as a chore, like doing the laundry. Which reminds me...I need to go separate my lights and darks.

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